Q. How does one prepare a child for the coming of another addition to the family during pregnancy? Moreover, how much should you go in detail explaining the pregnancy to the child without overwhelming him or her?

 

A: It is natural that expectant parents would like to know when it is the appropriate time to inform their child about another addition to the family. The answer to that question is to tell them around the same time you are telling everyone else. Tell your child even if he or she does not understand. You don’t want someone to bump into your child and ask if he or she is excited about the fact that there is going to be an addition to the family. This is bound to happen because, you cannot tell everyone to keep it a secret. Someone or the other is bound to let the cat out of the bag.

 

You would definitely want to be careful not to build up the idea of having a sibling to be something of a playmate too early. Children will not understand that a new-born might be extra quiet or extra demanding.

 

It will be a great idea if the expectant dad can put in some prime-time working and playing with the child before the baby is born. This will help because the expectant mother will have to devote a lot of time to the new-born and also spend a lot of time recovering from the delivery. This will make things a lot easier for all members of the family.

 

Q: What are some good ways to reduce the jealousy or rivalry when the new-born arrives?

A: At the outset, it is important to understand that every child will react differently to a new addition to the family. Jealousy is also different in different children. Some children will instantly feel jealous. Sometimes the child will make it clear that he or she does not want another sibling and will make it know in many ways. One way will be to want to leave the house and go away. Other times the jealousy will come to the fore when the baby begins to interact with the adults and they begin to coo over the baby. Jealousy will stay dormant for many months in many children because the new baby will be sleeping most of the time and there will not need much time from the parents. Screaming babies are not a problem because the child knows that it bothers the parents.

 

If the first child is exhibiting signs of insecurity before the delivery they should take time out to spend with the first child once or twice a day. This will instill a sense of security in the child and he or she will look forward to the new addition especially if the parents make sure that the special times continue after the delivery.

 

If there are grandparents in the picture it is important to clue them in to make a fuss over the existing child as well when they coo over the new-born. Tell your friends and family not to make the purpose of their visit to see the new-born only, the first child needs to have their attention as well. Equally important is the fact that the first child understands that having a baby in the house is not always about being big brother or big sister. Let them know that they will not be treated well only if they are nice to the new born. It is important to treat them the same way – with perhaps a little more attention – as they were before the baby arrived. The new baby will not be affected by all the attention the first child will get but the first child will get upset if the new born will get extra attention.

 

One more important thing to keep in mind if you want to move the first child out of bed into a crib is to do that a few months in advance before the delivery. Give them time to adjust by assuring them the new bed is a great place to be and that they are no being shoved out of their favorite place to make place for another baby.

 

Q; How do you deal with a child that throws a tantrum or regresses on the arrival of a new baby in the family?

A: This is the way we should look at tantrums: When a child throws a tantrum it is a sign that the child has lost control of his or her world. Take them to a quiet place and allow them to calm down. Never discipline them during a tantrum. Take them to a corner even if you are in a public place. Pick them up and carry them if you have to.

 

They need you to show calm and understanding in these times. At some time you should make it a point to talk to the child – if they are old enough – about exactly what they were feeling at the time of the tantrum. What one needs to do here is to give the child a chance to regroup with understanding parents. The child should be given the opportunity to talk to parents and literally talked into talking to parents. You could tell her that if she felt bad about her brother being given a bath she should have talked about he feelings first instead of throwing a tantrum.

 

So far as regression is concerned, it never lasts forever and all children do it. It is an integral part of parenting. There was an instance where a child was toilet trained perfectly and then toilet trained again for a few months after his brother was born then he started wetting the bed at night. It was something that was totally out of his control – it just happens. The parents talked to the boy about it and advised him not to drink too much water before bed and it slowly stopped – but it did take some time it always does. They will begin whining excessively and sucking their thumb and so on and so forth.

 

You need to understand that your sibling is not getting the same amount of love and understanding as before the new addition to the family. He will eventually adjust to the fact that he or she is not the center of attraction any more- this is a whole new world for him or her and they need the understanding of their parents. This is a very big change for the child and no one can hurry up this process of adjustment. It has to run its course. This also depends on the child’s temperament. Some children will adjust very easily to not being the center of attention any longer and some children will just refuse to let go. Do not feel that if your child is not adjusting to the new born you are a bad parent or the child is misadjusted – this is not the case at al it is all normal.

 

Q: What activities can be resorted to make a child understand the coming of a sibling?

A: Some really good ideas of preparing a child of the coming of a sibling are reading books about brothers and sisters to them, visiting friends who have just been blessed with a new born and including the child in the preparations for the new born.

 

Parents should not over do things even though children love to help. The child should be encouraged to help because this is what families do. However, there is always the danger of the child developing an attitude of being ‘mommy’s little helper’ and she will begin to feel that the only way to get mommy’s attention is to act more mature than she really is.

 

There are many books in the market and parents should do a bit of research to determine which stories fit into their way of life and how much they want the child to understand. Some parents will want the child to understand the entire birth process and some will want to just give the child an idea. You have to decide what fits you.

 

Q; Is there an approach to newer family routines without too much disturbance in the family?

A: Never disturb the child’s bed time routine. If you really have to change the routine it should be changed a few months before the delivery. Typically it should be done during the eight or the seventh month of pregnancy. If there is a possibility of the child throwing a tantrum or the possibility of any display of misbehavior it is definitely going to be during the end of the day. If you are aware that the child has a long bed time routine and you know that you are not going to be able to keep up with it after the new born arrives you should begin to shorten the routine a couple of months before the baby arrives.

 

Give the child some leverage as they will take at least four months to adjust to the new situation. Do not try to make them roll with the punches and force any form of adjustment. It is going to take six months at least, so try to show some understanding and they will adjust on their own. Try and force them and you will only make them cling to you and demand your attention.